J to the Dizzle

Homage to my friend J-Dizzle. One of the last few men left on this planet who will help you put your stiletto on, and then will proceed to buckle it for you. He's a man with an affinity for racial slurs, general tso's chicken, and Hummels (for those of you non-Italians reading this, Hummel's are small porcelain figurines depicting eastern European children. In old school Italian homes, they can often be found showcased in large glass cases, right next to the sofa that has been slip-covered in plastic. They are manufactured in Germany, and are overall pretty atrocious).

J-Dizzle is loud, unapologetic, and will call you cute pet nicknames like "cracker jack", "muffin top", or "fluffy". He knows all the words to every Babyface song ever sung, and he's not afraid to serenade you with them. He'll start your car for you when it's blustery cold, he'll brush your hair if you're sad and broken-hearted, and he'll make you a cd called "No Scrubs" featuring SWV, Mary J, TLC, Maxwell, and Color Me Badd.

He's the guy you were friends with in middle school that made you laugh so hard in math class that you peed your pants, and beat people up for calling you chubby. Only now he's in his mid-30's, but still just as fabulous.